# Tuesday, January 20, 2009

posted on Tuesday, January 20, 2009 12:19:44 AM (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)  #    Comments [129]
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Friday, May 06, 2011 11:25:45 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
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Thursday, June 12, 2014 5:49:50 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Friday, June 13, 2014 4:40:05 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Friday, June 13, 2014 9:59:48 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Saturday, June 14, 2014 1:21:10 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Saturday, June 14, 2014 1:24:14 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Saturday, June 14, 2014 12:03:29 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Saturday, June 14, 2014 9:30:45 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Sunday, June 15, 2014 6:49:03 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.
Sunday, June 15, 2014 7:24:22 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Sunday, June 15, 2014 5:31:57 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Sunday, June 15, 2014 8:57:29 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Monday, June 16, 2014 3:24:21 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 2:04:38 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 7:36:49 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 6:41:48 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 7:09:34 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014 6:14:38 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014 11:08:42 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014 6:37:20 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Thursday, June 19, 2014 4:11:04 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Thursday, June 19, 2014 5:49:06 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Thursday, June 19, 2014 5:39:34 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Thursday, June 19, 2014 8:54:29 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Friday, June 20, 2014 4:47:11 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Friday, June 20, 2014 12:56:35 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Friday, June 20, 2014 4:08:00 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Saturday, June 21, 2014 5:06:47 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Saturday, June 21, 2014 9:20:05 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Sunday, June 22, 2014 1:39:17 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Sunday, June 22, 2014 12:24:10 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Sunday, June 22, 2014 12:52:30 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Sunday, June 22, 2014 11:39:58 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Monday, June 23, 2014 4:53:44 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Monday, June 23, 2014 10:47:10 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Monday, June 23, 2014 10:06:56 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Monday, June 23, 2014 10:15:59 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014 9:29:33 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014 3:31:05 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Tuesday, June 24, 2014 9:02:41 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014 5:03:04 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014 10:25:15 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Thursday, June 26, 2014 4:10:12 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Thursday, June 26, 2014 4:23:17 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Thursday, June 26, 2014 4:26:54 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Friday, June 27, 2014 6:04:36 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Friday, June 27, 2014 4:52:37 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Friday, June 27, 2014 6:50:23 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Saturday, June 28, 2014 6:47:14 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Saturday, June 28, 2014 4:04:01 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
Saturday, June 28, 2014 6:40:57 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Why don't you write books people can read?
Sunday, June 29, 2014 6:53:10 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Sunday, June 29, 2014 3:38:26 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Sunday, June 29, 2014 7:25:20 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Monday, June 30, 2014 7:36:59 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Monday, June 30, 2014 3:45:52 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Monday, June 30, 2014 8:02:38 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014 8:36:25 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Wednesday, July 02, 2014 8:21:26 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Wednesday, July 02, 2014 2:47:24 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Wednesday, July 02, 2014 8:41:59 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Thursday, July 03, 2014 8:08:00 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Thursday, July 03, 2014 7:53:30 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Friday, July 04, 2014 7:29:12 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Friday, July 04, 2014 11:52:32 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Friday, July 04, 2014 6:52:45 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Saturday, July 05, 2014 6:17:22 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Saturday, July 05, 2014 9:53:29 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Saturday, July 05, 2014 5:53:32 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Sunday, July 06, 2014 5:15:59 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Sunday, July 06, 2014 8:03:48 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Sunday, July 06, 2014 4:41:45 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Monday, July 07, 2014 4:00:19 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Monday, July 07, 2014 6:00:51 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Monday, July 07, 2014 8:52:17 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014 1:51:06 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014 7:10:05 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014 5:28:49 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Tuesday, July 08, 2014 5:32:33 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Wednesday, July 09, 2014 3:48:59 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Wednesday, July 09, 2014 9:02:46 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Wednesday, July 09, 2014 2:02:47 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Thursday, July 10, 2014 12:19:31 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Thursday, July 10, 2014 12:26:03 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Thursday, July 10, 2014 10:50:16 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Thursday, July 10, 2014 4:09:10 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Thursday, July 10, 2014 9:46:06 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Friday, July 11, 2014 7:36:26 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Friday, July 11, 2014 7:50:19 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Friday, July 11, 2014 7:04:35 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Saturday, July 12, 2014 12:08:54 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Saturday, July 12, 2014 5:48:30 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Saturday, July 12, 2014 4:17:23 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Saturday, July 12, 2014 4:39:52 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Sunday, July 13, 2014 3:31:20 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
Sunday, July 13, 2014 8:31:10 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
Sunday, July 13, 2014 2:04:31 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Monday, July 14, 2014 12:23:33 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Monday, July 14, 2014 12:40:25 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Monday, July 14, 2014 4:47:16 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Monday, July 14, 2014 10:28:16 PM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014 9:11:29 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014 9:25:26 AM (Central Daylight Time, UTC-05:00)
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Sunday, October 26, 2014 7:18:48 AM (Central Standard Time, UTC-06:00)
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